Putin to Chavez: Don't Be Player Hater

In recent news, Russia and Venezuela both held democratic elections for new dictators. Russians enthusiastically elected Vladimir Putin to an indefinite period of dictatorship, but a similar post was not awarded to dictatorial candidate Hugo Chavez by the Venezuelan public (or as Chavez refers to them, "los estupidos").

Asked if he would ever consider relinquishing any power, Putin chuckled, "It will be warm day in Siberia before that happen, comrade."

When asked for thoughts on Chavez's defeat, Putin mused, "How can he expect to be dictator when he can't even fix election?" Asked if Putin had any words of advice for Chavez, Putin reflected for a moment, then offered, "Start with basics. Kill journalists if they question you. Poison rivals in other countries. Rewrite history and make your country hate United States."

"Done, done, working on it, and done," responded Chavez while feeding his pet bird Pancho Villa. "These things take time, man." Asked how he was taking the defeat, Chavez sighed, "You know, man, you take it one day at a time, man. Senor Ahmedinejhad gave me a call and told me a couple Bush jokes. I watched some episodes of Bill Maher I had Tivo'd. I executed my campaign manager. You know, man."

"But it's not over. There will be another dictator election in a few years, maybe next year if my death squad does its freaking job."

Until then, most of us can rest assured that Venezuela will not be an autocracy in the near future, and that alone may push the light sweet crude down to dirt cheap levels of $85 / barrel. Thank you, citizens of Venezuela, thank you. (Thank you means Gracias).