Saturday, September 26, 2009

Trying something new

I was recently talking to Roller and he told me that at some point, he hoped that a lot of people would someday contribute to this blog. Now, I have no intention of being a regular contributor and at first I didn't think much about his comment. As you may or may not know, I haven't always been the first person to adopt new technologies- in fact, I am sure I was the last person who has ever posted, commented or even read this blog to have a cell phone. But now, I am trying to turn over a new leaf. At this point, I am 75% sure that these computers thingies are going to stay around, at least for the near future. In addition, since they got this internet thing on computers now, I imagine this is going to appeal to a lot of people, including all the kids out there with their new do-dads and whats-it-nots. If you haven't checked out this "web" that stretches "worldwide" you should try it right now.

According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 12% of Americans create or contribute to their own online journal or blog. So if I actually submit this entry to Roller and he decides to publish it on the blog, do you see what this means? I have, for the first time in my life, become an early adapter of new technology. I will be in the elite group of bloggers, looking forever down on the 88% of those of you who have either never blogged or got into this technology after I did. That's right- AFTER I DID. I haven't felt this superior since I signed up a long time ago for a Facebook account before most people did (and then proceeded to never check my account again).

I really am making an attempt to become technologically inclined and this January an event happened in my life that forever changed me- my wife got me an iphone for Christmas. I know that people say possessions aren't everything and that they cannot make you happy. I am hear to tell you that those people are a) full of crap and b) have never owned an iphone. My iphone is the greatest toy I have ever received. I am particularly fond of the app store which I explore on a regular basis looking for new apps to download. While you can find just about anything on the app store, I have listed a few apps that I hope to God will be available for download in the near future and that I am waiting anxiously for.

Personal weather app: I know what you are thinking- "Aren't there like 10000 apps that are out there for updating you on the weather?" and, of course, the answer is yes. But this is a "personal" weather app. What it does is create a high pressure system directly around you which ensures that at all times, there are only sunny skies above you with humidity that never exceeds 30%. If you are willing to pay a little extra you can get the Frenemie add-on that allows you to create a low pressure system around anyone that you have friended on Facebook but secretly cannot stand. This will ensure rainclouds around that person at all time, no matter what the local weather is supposed to be.

Love app: as we all know, Google acquired the rights to the emotion that we call love in 2007. Since that time they have been working with the folks at Apple and have created an app that actually takes care of all the messiness (which girls like to call "romance") of that thing that we call love. This app actually sends a signal to your brain that let's you know things that no guy is supposed to know. For instance, this app will update you on such important nuggets as "If you place 1500 candles in this poorly ventilated space in the second story of your house, the carbon monoxide that is released will be assessed by your wife/girlfriend/girl-you-just-met-at-the-bar's brain as romantic and you will increase your chance of intercourse by 40%." Please try to tell me that you wouldn't pay $1.99 for this.

Diaper changer app: here is a conversation that I have actually had with my son more than once (and I'm not kidding about this)- "My god, you weigh 20 lbs. How the hell could you have just placed a 6 lbs load in your pants? Have you been packing yourself like a musket just waiting for a moment until your mom left the house?" Once you download this app, this conversation will never happen again- this app will take care of all those number two's for you. Of note, this app is not necessary for parents to download until a child turns 4-6 months old and solid foods are introduced. As we all know, this is the age in which your little angel begins to make what I like to call "man poops". It is amazing how much you can love something and yet so despise something that comes out of their body.

Babysitter app: for some reason, the department of family services in St. Louis says to me that I cannot just leave my son at home with a whistle in his crib while I go out to a bar to have a beer. For some reason, the cops that have come to my house and ticketed me for this issue don't accept "this is bulls**t" as an explanation. Once I download this app, the man will no longer be able to interfere with my god-given right to get a beer at a bar while leaving my child at home without adult supervision.

I have been following this blog and I have seen how the dynamics of the comments section works so I can anticipate some of the possible comments that may arise. As a result, I would like to post my responses to these upcoming comments here to save time:
1) Response to G: If you truly want to have an open discussion about this issue, you are going to have to bring some debatable points to the table. You cannot just state that the iphone is the spawn of Satan without providing a shred of evidence. I am going to have to know exactly how Lucifer gave birth to an iphone before we will be able discuss this issue like two grown adults. Thus, either support your statement or retract it. While you are retracting, I am also going to have to have you retract statements 2,3,5,7,13 and 15 that you made as well. Statements 4, 6, 8 and 9 were totally incomprehensible so no need to retract those. Please do not retract the nude picture of Farrah Fawcett- your argument was quite convincing and I would like to hear more of it.

2) Response to Ryan: You elitist bastard. Also, I am not so sure that it is accurate to say that a cabal of computer programmers have acted in concert with the federal reserve to use the iphone to infringe on our personal freedoms in the way that you outline. Still, here is a link to a website that contains information about people doing good things for society that Sarah Palin would label as "dangerous to America."

Finally, in keeping with tradition, I will close with a loaded question that I will present for all to comment on- would you prefer to hang out in a closed room with one of Sarah Palin's death panels that wants to kill your grandmother or a room full of adorable puppies?

Friday, September 18, 2009

30 Years of Law & Order: Part VI.I Update

Now that TLATL's readership is soaring at an unprecedented rate, it is time to rekindle the series on our favorite courtroom drama, Law & Order. We've taken quite a hiatus. Since our last installment, there have been many changes. Junior Detective Nina Cassidy left the two-seven after only one year and was replaced by Det. Cyprus Lupo. Then the unthinkable, Detective Green leaves. Cyprus Lupo moves to senior detective while Kevin Bernard takes his old position of junior detective. Bernard is no stranger to the 27th precinct as he was the Internal affairs detective who investigated a shooting involving Green. The new Executive ADA is Michael Cutter. A young no-nonsense go-getter, that reminds us all of a certain young DA whose brass was a little too shiny for his saxophone. That's right, I'm talking about Robinett.

Of course I'm talking about Jizzack McCizzoy. He assumed the role of District Attorney. TLATL has made some changes of our own. We've added a member to our blogging crew. Ryan has gone from lead commenter to kick-ass contributor.

So we had to ask ourselves, how do we finish this series without starting from the top? To fix this, Roller and I took our TLATL residuals and went to Vegas. We spent six days and seven nights pouring over not only all of our previous posts but also the newer episodes of this epic drama which will air its 20th season this fall (for those keeping score at home, that's a photo of roller reassuring Coovo that there's always next year). We came up with the following:

  • The subject of our final post and the final position of the show is the Asst. ADA, currently held by Connie Rubirosa. She dates back far enough (2006) that she would have been considered even before the changes.

  • None of the new characters, I mean crime fighters, while frigging awesome, had any affect on our takes in the previous posts. I thought for a second that Lupo's performance might cancel out Green's performance giving my nod to Junior Detective nod to Logan, but I think it was just too much of Roller's single-malt scotch.

  • For this last post, our comrade in arms, Ryan, will give his take through the comments as he was so adept at doing for the previous 6 posts. But, when we pick our L&O Dream Team, which might be before New Year's Day, Ryan will cast a vote right along side Roller and me.
To get you back in the mood we present a special bonus: The Shrink.

There have been two profilers that have assessed the mental capacity for the district attorney's office. First is Dr. Elizabeth Olivet. Practicing for the DA's office from 1991-1997, and then again in 2002 and again in '06, '07, '08 and '09, Olivet has received favorable comparisons to both Brett Favre and Michael Myers. She recently testified for the defense in a case that Cutter was trying. McCoy warned her that the gloves would come off. Cutter reveals that she had been romantically involved with a patient, a Detective, while treating him. Ouch. I turned the channel before the verdict. Olivet fun fact: She is one of five characters to appear in all 4 Law and Order series (Criminal Intent, SVU, Trial by Jury). They don't count the short lived Law & Order: Conviction, Law & Order: UK, or Law & Order: Evidence Schmevidence. The others: Ed Green, Arthur Branch, Elizabeth Rodgers (the Medical Examiner) and our man Lenny Briscoe.

In between Olivet's stints is Dr. Emil Skoda. While Olivet seems to be more caring and compassionate, Skoda just tells it like its is. "The guys a classic case of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He knew it was wrong. You going to finish that brownie?" Skoda is a psychiatrist whereas Olivet is a clinical psycologist. Skoda misses out on the L&O grand slam by having never appeared in Trial by Jury, however Olivet never appeared in a prison "group hug" scene.

Coovo's take: Have been and always will be a Skoda guy. Olivet is a good at what she does but Skoda doesn't read through the prisoner's b.s. Pardon my French abbreviation. I always kind of liked when they brought in the shrink and liked it better when they would piss off McCoy by disagreeing with him. Which would seemingly put me in the corner of Olivet. Not quite. BBS: Bring Back Skoda!!

Roller's take: This is an interesting choice. I've always been a fan of J.K. Simmons; I think he's an excellent character actor, with the range of comedy to creepy. I never liked the Skoda character too much, but I think Simmons delivers the role exceptionally. Kind of like Casino, where I loathe Sharon Stone's character, but I think her acting was surprisingly top-notch. I don't have any complaints about Olivet, but I think the way the role was written and delivered was, in retrospect at least, somewhat typical. I'll give the nod to Skoda.

We hope you enjoyed the return of L&O, and as always, we'd like to hear your takes as well!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Law & Order

TLATL's own Roller and Coovo devoted quite a series of posts to, well, quite a series on TV. It appears that they aren't the only two devotees to the great show of Law & Order. A comic I saw on Comedy Central (who did an overall pretty funny show) had some stuff to say about TLATL's favorite guilty pleasure:
John Mulaney - Jerry Orbach
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John Mulaney - Law & Order
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