Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Putin to Chavez: Don't Be Player Hater

In recent news, Russia and Venezuela both held democratic elections for new dictators. Russians enthusiastically elected Vladimir Putin to an indefinite period of dictatorship, but a similar post was not awarded to dictatorial candidate Hugo Chavez by the Venezuelan public (or as Chavez refers to them, "los estupidos").

Asked if he would ever consider relinquishing any power, Putin chuckled, "It will be warm day in Siberia before that happen, comrade."

When asked for thoughts on Chavez's defeat, Putin mused, "How can he expect to be dictator when he can't even fix election?" Asked if Putin had any words of advice for Chavez, Putin reflected for a moment, then offered, "Start with basics. Kill journalists if they question you. Poison rivals in other countries. Rewrite history and make your country hate United States."

"Done, done, working on it, and done," responded Chavez while feeding his pet bird Pancho Villa. "These things take time, man." Asked how he was taking the defeat, Chavez sighed, "You know, man, you take it one day at a time, man. Senor Ahmedinejhad gave me a call and told me a couple Bush jokes. I watched some episodes of Bill Maher I had Tivo'd. I executed my campaign manager. You know, man."

"But it's not over. There will be another dictator election in a few years, maybe next year if my death squad does its freaking job."

Until then, most of us can rest assured that Venezuela will not be an autocracy in the near future, and that alone may push the light sweet crude down to dirt cheap levels of $85 / barrel. Thank you, citizens of Venezuela, thank you. (Thank you means Gracias).


Coovo said...

WOW! I took one look at Chavez and was like that's Zambrano. Then I see you found a Zambrano picture that pegs Chavez to a tee. or is is T? I don't know. I always questioned your collection of mercurial Zambrano picutres. But no more, it's paying off in spades.

Side note: Did you know that two of Chavez's biggest supporters are Harry Belafonte and Danny Glover? Maybe they can all be in a movie produced by Kim Jong Il.

Ryan said...

Yeah, I have to comment how hilarious the Zambrano/Chavez pictures are.

How does Putin get some hot chicks for his picture and all Chavez gets is a parrot?

Maybe Putin could poison the parrot and sell some of the women... that would be fitting.

Marty said...

yeah, what's with the parrot...well I guess if I ruled a country the first thing I would do is get a parrot...they're great yes men

Austin said...

Danny Glover? I somewhat understand Harry Belafonte. He is (I think) Jamaican and so maybe has an interest in central/south american politics.

What could be Glover's interest? Although he has always been on the wrong side of history. Remember when they filmed him trying to defect to South Africa while they still had apartheid. Good thing Mel Gibson talked him out of it.

I am interested in this movie you are talking about, Coov. It could be a hilarious golfing movie involving a foursome where Kim Jong Il shoots an 18, Putin scores chicks and wrestles a bear, Belafonte sings and Glover keeps saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit."